I didn’t start considering marriage seriously until after I turned 40. It’s not that I hadn’t thought about marriage before. I had discussed the future with boyfriends and even received marriage proposals, but I could never take that final step toward marriage.
One reason was my younger brother, who passed away at a young age. He suffered from cerebral palsy and lived a life confined to bed, needing constant care. He couldn’t eat, talk, or walk by himself and died at the tender age of four.
I was in elementary school at the time, and even then, I felt, “Child-rearing is tough. Despite all your efforts, they might still die.” Additionally, I had close relatives who were registered as disabled due to genetic factors. I had seen multiple instances where disabilities caused tensions within the family. Therefore, I have always had strong apprehensions about having children.
In my twenties, when I confided these feelings to a boyfriend, he said, “Let’s get married even if we don’t have kids.” Although I was pleased, I also wrestled with the question of whether a marriage without the prospect of children would truly be fulfilling.
I also lacked confidence in myself. While I was financially independent and lived alone, I wondered, “Could I really spend my life with just one man?” Rather than being reluctant to give up my single life or wanting to continue having fun, it’s more accurate to say I was running away from marriage.
I was in a hectic phase having just changed jobs, and while struggling with these thoughts, I ultimately broke up with that boyfriend.
As I approached my thirties, my colleagues and friends began getting married and having children at a rapid pace. Classmates who married early now had children in elementary school. Watching everyone go through these life stages, I felt less “envious” and more “this seems too challenging for me.”
The final nail in the coffin for my reluctance to marry was getting involved in Forex (foreign exchange margin trading). Right around that time, there was a boom in Forex trading, and I opened an account to start trading. After making some gains, probably due to beginner’s luck, I became overconfident and made a series of high-leverage trades. I ended up losing 4 million yen during a significant downturn in the pound/yen market.
Fortunately, my career was doing well, so I didn’t face any financial hardship. However, this completely shifted my mindset away from marriage. Since then, while I’ve occasionally dated, I’ve avoided serious relationships and continued living a life of light commitments.
